So its been ages

Hey

So its been like forever since my last post on here. I suddenley felt the urge to write down a few things, so thought I would post back on here. I feel I am slowly getting the bug back for writing. Have had terrible writers block for the past year (a book i was writing i put on hold - well shelved actually, and now have another synopsis for a book - but again, work in progress, aim to finish in two years!)

and my mind has been pretty cloudy this past year.

Not one of the best years of my life, certainly not the worst (that hasn't happened, yet, and i hope it never does, well unless you count my break up in 2006 but thats hardly the worst thing to happen - hell it was the best thing!)

I've had some fun allong the way, lots of laughs with friends and family, seen my cute niece grow up to be such a beautiful little girl (shes 15 nearly 16 months old) and just tried to get a god damm permanent job! I'll go into that another time.

So any I will keep this short and sweet. I have the hills to watch (SO important lol). I don't know what it is, seems to happen every ten years but I get obsessed with one film, or one person. Ten years ago (well 11 actually) I became obsessed with Romeo + Juliet by Baz Leurman (i can't spell) which starred the gawjuss Leonardo Dicaprio. And I became obsessed. Obsessed because he was sooooo divine and obsessed with the music in the film,and the story itself was so tragic and he seemed SO in love with Juliet. I could not stop thinking about Leo, and thought I had even tracked him down on the internet when i was at uni (should have been working and should have known better! lol) saddo that I am!

So anyway 11 years have past, and I still do love the film and the soundtrack (especially the Nellee Hooper instrumental soundtrack) and Leo still looks pretty hot, but I have a new obsession, and I really think I need to get over it, but he is SO lovely.

Robert Pattinson.

*Que a thousand tween girls screaming all over america*

Ok yes I know he is nine years younger than me (well Madonna and Guy made it work for like 7 whatever years) and is probably just freaked out at his new found fame to be even bothered with the likes of me. But I can dream. I have already seen twilight and am obsessed with it.

It does make me laugh a little because Robert doesn't really look like his character Edward Cullen in real life, he is alot scruffier (reminds me a bit of scruffy River Pheonix r.i.p) and is english (ha like me) unlike his character, and seems alot more human (ho ho) well obviously. Well anyway he seems like a normal down to earth guy, and I do hope fame doesn't change him. He sounds pretty grounded, and has a good family behind him. I hope he can still drink pints at his local in london and that the crazy fans dont drive him mad too much.

Can't wait for the twilight circus to roll into London town to see how it all goes down over here.

Anyways so I will leave it at that. I have to go swoon over his photo now

adios!! : ) xoxo

thoughts

I mourn for what i thought you were, and all the things i thought you'd be.
I mourn for myself and how I let myself be led so easily.
I mourn for the times we had together, those happy days whatever the weather.
I mourn for your smile, that made me smile, and kept me wanting more all the while
I mourn for what could have been, or what might be.
I mourn for the fact I wish I could talk to you but yet I wonder if you want me anymore.
I just wish I could speak to you and know whats on your mind.
Or if your thinking of me at this lonely time.
Maybe I should move on, and get you out of my mind.
But at this moment in time, your all I've got to occupy this heart of mine.

First time for everything

Ok, this is my first post to a blog! Woooooooooo hoooooooo! Like how freakin amazing!!!
Ha ha yeah not.
Ok, I decided to start writing this because i used to write in a diary and loved spilling out my inner mostg thoughts into it each day. Well, this aint gonna be as personal as that but some form of therapy at least. Cathartic I hope.
At the moment I am feeling pretty low. Wish I didn't feel like this. I wish everything was roses and sunshine. But it aint, and life is no easy ride thats for sure.

So the big factor that has made me feel like $hit is that my boyfriend dumped me. First time that has EVER happened to me. So two firsts in one posting.
Ok he didn't dump me today, he dumped me on saturday7th october. Hey, he should have waited til friday the 13th,...really do it with style.

Ha ha ok, a little sarcasm there, but i'm entitled to feel pissed off don't you agree?

Anyway, he dumped me as he had issues, all stemming back to when he was cheated on 3 months before he was going to get married to this lovely girl,who in fact had her knickers off for some 50 year old bloke from her work. For six months. Poor woody (my ex).

So that was two and a half years ago, the guy needs to move on and not take his issues and anger out on me. Which he has done for the last few months.
We went on holiday in september to toronto and new york. When we got to new york i met up with some work colleagues one night, and i knew woody wasn't best pleased but he was invited.

Anyway, to cut a loooooong story short, woody said he needed time away from me for a bit, i was obviously cut up, hurt, angry, and confused. I moved back to my folks (not too far away) and they gave me a couple of shoulders to cry on.
I went to his and got some more stuff in the week and made sure he knew he had been a total arsehole in the last few months and thats not a relationship.

Well anyway, i went round his yesterday and picked up the rest of my stuff and we talked for a while. He told me he had checked my mobile the night i got back from the bar with my work mates in nyc, and saw a message sent to me earlier from one of the guys with a X at the end. The guy is over 50, married, short, and in no way a sleeze ball who would try anything on with anyone at work!
Woody just got so paranoid and was wrong to check my phone. He has serious trust and insecurity issues which i thought he had sorted out as its been a while since he had the dirt done to him. He needs to move on, but he is being a fool for acting like this.

And he told me he has issues with my spending, which is hardly in the Emelda Marcos league! Ok, I like to shop! What girl doesn't?! I was planning on spending the rest of my life with him and I was prepared to save, but i guess i'm not so sure about things now.

Its sad that its happened but its out of my control. He needs to be on his own and sort his head out. I know he still loves and cares for me (moi aussi) but i can't live with him like we were before. I felt picked on and wasn't number one in his world.'
I hope he can work it all out and come out clearer, but i'm not so sure. And I wont wait around to find out either. Although at the moment I am all over the place, but I know in time I will be ok.

I'm definatly off men for a few months though.